Mothers Day! Mixed emotions

Today is Mothers Day, it is my first official one since becoming a mother.

I have had a hard time to say the least, for well, all of the Mothers Days since I have been married.

6 all together, it doesn't seem like a lot but, well, I have learned that this day sucks for a lot of woman in the world.

My first mothers day as a wife was about a month after I had my first miscarriage. I was not in a good place at all. I did not deal with this loss in a good way. I escaped into books. When Mothers day came around it was all I could do to try not to bawl all day.

Crying and well anger is how I can describe most of the Mothers day's since. Not being able to have a child and knowing that you have no control over it SUCKS!!

It makes it the Hardest day of the year!! Going to church was the hardest thing to do, most years I would just skip out.

I have had very mixed emotions in becoming a mother. My first is Gratitude, and overwhelming JOY. My dreams finally came true. Zuri is the best thing EVER!! I don't want anyone to doubt that.

But through out my whole pregnancy and even now I sometimes feel hypocritical. I know this is not a normal emotion, but it is the truth.  

For almost 5 years I was in a community of amazing people that like us, had fertility issues. 

Don't get me wrong I know I am extremely blessed. I am thankful every day for my baby girl. 

It was hard for me to be publicly excited about my pregnancy. 

During the years I was unable to get pregnant I always was acutely  aware of the woman that had babies and were pregnant.
I knew how i felt about it, not that I wasn't happy for them, cause I was. just because I was having trouble doesn't mean I wanted anyone else to, or for people to treat me differently because they were able to have children easily. I didn't want my fertility issues to become theirs.

Even now I really try hard especially on facebook to not overload my wall with how amazing my daughter is.

I know it is hard for some to see, even though I know they are SO happy for me.

I have been there, I know that feeling, I know the heart ache that comes with fertility issues, especially knowing that ours were all because of my body. 

Eldon has PERFECT ummm swimmers... Our issues come from me.

My body does not ovulate, it does not develop an egg into a follicle, and it does not release the egg if by some miracle it does develop. Oh and I only have one fallopian tube. Which leaves our chances of getting pregnant on our own to about a 5% chance ever other month.

I always thought that once I was a mother this day would be so much better. Don't get me wrong it is a million times better, I guess I am just surprised at how close to the surface my emotion are. I have been holding back tears all day. 

They are tears of JOY for my blessed life and perfect baby girl. Tears of gratitude for the amazing women in my life, Mostly my Mother who is my best friend and has taught me how to accept things as they come, to look on the bright side and to fight for what you want and what is right, she is so strong and such a great example to me. Also My mother in law, I am eternally grateful for her, for how strong she is and how she taught her son to be the amazing man he is. I also have tears of sorrow for all the women in the world who have a hard time on this day.

I wish no woman would ever have to feel the pain of wanting a child, or losing a child IT JUST SUCKS.

Happy Mothers Day!!